Looking back, flying across the ocean by myself, to meet with a man I had been texting and video chatting with, was probably one of the most brave and stupid things I have done in my life. I did take some precautions, but probably could have done some additional planning in case of an issues.
I had meant this guy, I will call him John, on an online dating site. A pretty sketchy one at that. Before him, I had not met anyone in person from that site, and the people I ended up messaging with were kind of bottom of the barrel. Many scammers, people just looking for sex and sending pictures, that kind of thing. When I met John and he actually turned out to be a decent guy, and his picture matched who he was when we video chatted, I was elated!
However, he is from a semi-“high scammer” country so I tried to take everything with a grain of salt to begin with. I was also on high alert as I am plus size and have somewhat low self-esteem, so had a hard time believing John, who I think is very handsome, was really interested in me. I kind of kept waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak. Waiting for him love bomb me, declare his love for me right away, say we should get married right away, and especially waiting for him to ask for money.
I did Google searches on what red flags I should look for in a relationship with someone from his country. I found a couple websites that listed out some, and even one that had some green flags to look for as well. I even went as far as to email the author of one of the red flag lists to see what she thought of my relationship so far (that was only about two weeks old). She graciously responded back to me. She told me she received a lot of emails like mine and usually responded to them to leave the relationship, but in my case, she said it sounded promising.
I also found out about a few Facebook groups made up of other women in relationships with men from the same country John is from. I joined them and read a bunch of posts to learn about warning flags and other things to look out for. I did a post myself asking what they thought about what I had noticed and got some positive and some negative feedback.
In the end, I decided to keep moving forward with our relationship. After two weeks we were officially in a relationship and I shut down my dating profiles (and he did too). After a little over a month, we started talking about next steps, which would mean me flying to his country to visit in person. I wanted to wait a little bit before meeting in person, so we decided on meeting 8 months after we had first started talking. Ironically, I ended up arriving in his country exactly 8 months after we met, to the day. We had first met August 16th and I arrived in his country April 16th. (Also ironic, I left for our second trip on the 16th as well).
I had wanted to wait for a few months to see if he would stay consistent with how he talked to me, texting and video chatting. I wouldn’t say that I kept “testing” him, but I was paying passive attention to how he acted and what he said. Our relationship is not the same as the average couple being long-distance, so communication was extra important.
Some of my family and friends were worried for me, which I understood. They spoke with me about things like why I was looking for someone in another country (which I wasn’t exactly, the dating site we met on just happened to be international), why he couldn’t find someone in his country. Worrying about me meeting this guy for the first time in person in a whole different continent and country by myself. I completely understood their worries, I had some of those thoughts myself. Regardless, I decided to go through with the trip.
The day of my flight finally arrived. I was anxious but also so excited. And, in a weird way, I was not as nervous before leaving as I thought I was going to be. By this time event though we had not met in person I trusted this man, that he would be there for me at the airport and would take care of me.
However, I had done a little research before just in case of an issue. I Googled to find a few hotels near the airport I could call about getting a room, and how to get a taxi at the airport to take me. Granted, after the fact I realized I could have done more extensive planning if something really went wrong, but thankfully none of that was needed.
I had so many feelings during my two flights and layover on my way. I recall when I arrived at my layover destination thinking something like “Well F*** I’m actually here.” I hadn’t been outside of the US in a while, and it felt incredibly surreal to be in another country across the ocean. Even more surreal to be going to visit this man who had turned my life upside down in the best possible way.
As I mentioned before I am plus sized which has affected my dating life significantly. John, in my eyes, is extremely handsome and average sized. A lot of my hesitation has been why he, this hot and average sized man, is interested romantically in me. Of course, I understand everyone is different and has their own preferences, but it was really hard to wrap my brain around him being attracted to me when I had (and still have) such a low view of myself. He had reassured me many times he liked how I look and that I am “his type” but that was still one of the biggest things I was nervous about before meeting in person. What if he doesn’t find me attractive in person? What if I am bigger than he expected? What if, what if, what if…all these kinds of questions raced through my brain.
We kept in touch during my layover and a little bit on my second flight (as they offered free Wi-Fi for messaging). He arrived early at the airport while I was still flying. It was cute, I wondered it he was nervous too and excited (I hoped so!). The plane landed and I was nervous, but mostly just so excited to see him in person finally and start getting to know him even better. Plus, I was excited and nervous to start the physical aspect of our relationship. I was not sure what he was expecting so that made me a little anxious as I wanted to do everything, I was just also shy about it all.
I disembarked the plane and headed toward customs. Unfortunately, there was a pretty long line there and I had to wait for about 45 minutes. I kept messaging with John as much as my phone allowed (service was not the best). I finally had my turn and got through and on to baggage claim. My bags were waiting right away and then I had to get my bags scanned before leaving which was a first. By this time, I felt bad I was making him wait so long so was a little panic-y and starting to get sweaty – totally NOT how I wanted to meet him for the first time.
After gathering my two bags again I went outside and saw a huge group of people crowing around. I panicked for a moment thinking “will I recognized him?!” but did a scan and did not see him so went around the crowd to start walking down the sidewalk. He had sent me a picture of where he was outside and I thought I could see it. After walking very briefly I looked up and there he was coming towards me!
That was the most amazing moment, I swear my heart stopped for a second. I was in disbelief that he was right there, we were in the same place. I can’t recall my exact words but I think I said something like “You are here” and “hi” and he gave me a half hug and kissed my cheek. Due to the rules in his country we were not able to do much PDA which was a relief and took the pressure off. He took one of my bags and lead me to the taxi stand to get a taxi back to the apartment he rented for us.
It was just a bit awkward in the taxi and getting my bags up to the apartment. There he gave me a little space and allowed me to unpack a bit and take a shower to clean up. We ended up going out for dinner that night and relaxing a bit back in the apartment. He was adorable and took a picture of the two of us on our “first date.”
It turned out to be an amazing trip. We got comfortable with each other very quickly and got into a nice routine. About halfway through our trip he proposed, and I accepted. It felt a little rushed but also right. It was a perfect proposal for us. It was about 9:30pm at night and we were both in our pajamas. He asked me to wait in the little hall and close my eyes, when he told me to open them he was on one knee. Due to the long-distance of our relationship some things are on a different schedule than what is the norm I have found.
If I had never met John would I travel across the world again to meet a guy I had only known online? If things with this other guy felt as right as John did, yes. It was an amazing learning experience and just experience in general. I traveled to a country I had never thought about visiting before and I am so glad I gave both John and his country a chance. Great things can happen when you take educated chances. If I had a friend going through what I did and was going to go meet up with someone in another country I would have some questions. Were there any red flags in the relationship? Was this person asking (or even hinting) at getting money sent to them? Were they looking to get married in the first meeting? And then, for the trip itself, are you both paying for it? Maybe one party will pay for more based on how much each makes, but I think it’s good that both people contribute something. Finally, does my friend have a backup plan? What is their significant other does not or can not pick them up from their airport? Do they know how to find a taxi or other ride? Do they have a couple hotel options in case something goes wrong?
A friend of mine gave some really good advice before I went on my trip. I had been feeling bad about making some plans in case John did not show up or wasn’t there. She said, having a backup plan does not mean you do not trust John. Having a backup plan is smart because what if something happens to him? Maybe he wants to be there to get you but he can’t for some reason. Especially as women traveling it is better to be prepared and not need to be than not prepared.
