For years, I struggled with depression. My mood would be somewhat steady at a lower level and then have times with much lower levels of mood. I would just sit in my living room or bedroom crying about my life, how I felt nothing would ever get better, I’d never be happy, things like that. My therapist explained the somewhat steady lower mood as being like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, just being sad and down. I was like this for years.

I tried multiple different things to help, I had been in therapy for years, exercised, tried different antidepressant medications, and one mood stabilizer. The mood stabilizer did seem to help a bit, I noticed that when I forgot a dose, it would lead to having a lower dip in my mood. When I remembered all my doses I would stay more even, still low, but even. So even with that medication, I would have those dips. The antidepressants never seemed to make any difference for me, my therapist said it seemed like I had treatment-resistant depression, as my depression did not respond to at least two different types of antidepressant medication. 

In one session, my therapist mentioned a new type of treatment for depression she had just saw a presentation about, Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy (KAP). This is where you go to a clinic and are administered the medicine Ketamine by a physician to help with your depression. As of this date, I do not believe this is available in every state, but it is in mine.

Ketamine was introduced in the 1960s and was initially developed as an anesthetic. It is also used as a recreational drug because of the hallucinogenic and dissociative effects. Later, it was found to be effective for depression, seizures, and asthma. 

I decided to look into this option, so I looked over this particular clinic’s website and did some Google searches about the option. I was nervous about going forward with this as, personally, I have never experimented with drugs of any type, and had not even been drunk more than once in my life. I am the type who doesn’t like to be “out of control,” and to me, doing drugs or getting drunk would mean being out of control. I was always worried about how I would act, if I would do something embarrassing, things like that. So, going from not doing any drugs to a hallucinogenic was a big step for me. At the end of the day, I decided to move forward with an initial appointment to learn more. 

This particular clinic requires you to attend a handful of therapy sessions before your ketamine assisted psychotherapy session (where you are administered the medication), and then another handful of therapy sessions after the KAP session. The therapy sessions beforehand are to work through what you want to accomplish with the KAP session, and the therapy sessions after are to try to put any new habits into practice. You also have an appointment with the medical doctor to make sure you are healthy enough and your vitals are okay to handle the medication.

When I met with the medical doctor, he explained a bit about how KAP can help with depression and other issues like addiction. His analogy was to imagine snow on the ground, when you keep doing an action again and again it’s like skiing down the snow in the same path over and over and you get a deep rut. Once the rut is deep enough, it’s really hard to get out of that rut so you are more likely to keep going that same way (or taking the same action), it’s a habit. Ketamine administered by a medical professional is like putting down fresh snow to erase the ruts. With the fresh flat snow, you can choose a new path down. You could still choose the old habit, but it is easier to choose a new action or path.

I had about 4 or 5 sessions with the therapist before my KAP session. What I went over with her was my struggles with depression as well as overeating. Those were my two topics that I wanted to explore and work on with my KAP session.

The day of my ketamine session, I was so nervous. They said to come to the office in comfortable clothes and bring a blanket if I wanted. They had two special rooms for this experience. You would sit in a comfortable chair that can recline a bit. They put a blanket over you, you get an eyemask, and headphones where they play a special curated playlist. Your therapist sits by you the whole time and can speak into a microphone once in a while to check how you are doing, and you can talk or give a thumbs up or down. The medical doctor will go in and out of the room, and about halfway through the hour, gives you an option if you want a second dose. I received injections of ketamine but there is also an option of a lozenge you put under your tongue. 

Before going to the special room, I met with the doctor who took my temperature and blood pressure to make sure I was within normal limits. My blood pressure was a bit higher than normal as I was pretty nervous about what the experience would be like. After getting into the room they dimmed the lights, got me comfortable in the chair and with the blanket, put the headphones and eyemask on. Then, after I was ready, he injected me and said it would take effect in just a couple of minutes. About halfway through the experience (so at about 30 minutes in), the doctor asked if I wanted to get a booster and I said yes so he gave me another injection. 

I had no reference for what it might feel like. It has been a couple of years since this experience now so my memory is not quite exact. At first, I was worried I was somehow doing it wrong because I didn’t feel anything right away. But then I started to feel it, some weightlessness. I tried to force myself to think about my intentions, but ended up just letting go and let whatever came to me happen. At one point, I felt like I was flying over the Grand Canyon or other landmarks. At another point I felt like I was not aware of my body, feeling like I was in some other dimension or space, and at that moment feeling like my whole life was a lie and not real, that what I was experiencing at that moment of nothing and “being nowhere” was actually real. It was quite trippy, to say the least. It felt like time was going on forever, but the hour went pretty fast. 

Eventually, my therapist talked into the microphone to let me know it was coming to a close. Apparently, she could tell I was “coming down” from the experience. She said to take my time “waking up” and eventually I took the headphones and mask off and they sat me up a bit. She asked me to explain my experience a little so we talked just a bit about that. After some time, the doctor came back in and had me stand and walk a little. I was surprised at how shaky I was, he said to sit and wait 5 to 10 more minutes to be more stable before standing again. 

My therapist had texted my mom to let her know when I was able to be picked up so she arrived to drive me home. The whole drive home, I had my head back and eyes closed as I felt a bit nauseous. At home, I put on a movie and laid on the couch for 2 hours, and after that felt pretty much back to normal.

I had about 4 appointments with my therapist after my KAP appointment, just to go over my experience and try to start forming new habits.

It was not immediate, but after a bit, I noticed my mood had shifted and I was not feeling as depressed. I did not have the lower lows, and even my stable level seemed to have shifted up. It was pretty incredible, I almost couldn’t believe it. As for the overeating, that did not seem to shift to dramatically, but, I did notice a shift there as well. I found myself snacking less, having more actual meals with breaks in between. 

I ended up going for one more KAP session about 8 months after the first one. The effect was not as dramatic, however, I was not in the same depressed state as I had been before the first round. To this day, my stable level is still at a higher place than it was before. A lot has changed since then, including meeting my husband and getting married, which I think helped with my mood, but I am super grateful I had that opportunity, as it made an incredible difference in my life.